Looking for what?

Some days ago I told someone: "I'm not looking for a boyfriend". That means: "I'm not looking for someone to like/love".

What is it that one calls "like" or "love"? What the predictability of those "conditions"? Can you predict wether you'll like someone next week or not?

I've already heard plenty of stories about friends, colleagues, neighbours... my father was my mother's teacher. They fell in love, got married and I was born to be here writing down these quite nonsense thoughts today.

Liking someone is like appreciating wine. You buy a certain brand and grape type once, try it.. and then you'll advice it to your friends and you, yourself, will buy it again.

A good wine goes well with good cheese,
goes well with your sense of taste.
A good wine is a moment of pleasure,
a "repeatfull" moment.
A good wine is not the only good wine in the world,
but a wine you'd put in your cellar,
to pick it.. undoubtfully..
A good wine is rare.. I can remember a couple of them..
It embodies a good impression in the 5 senses of
Seeing, listening, touching, smelling, tasting.

You fall in love with a wine, unexpectedly, as you fall in love with someone.

Happily Happily Happily, hou

I'm not sure it was the rain or the salsa I danced yesterday.. hahaha.

The fact is that I'm happy and feeling free. Feeling I CAN control what I feel, what I do and who I want to be close to.

It seems that, all of a sudden I realized there are more people you like and that like you than I could remember.

All of sudden I realized my self proud is bigger, that I don't depend on others and that I can "kick the bucket" whenever I feel like.

Now we can talk about the north-corean war threaten and how a ginseng raw is frighteningly similar to a decapitated person.. LOL

Complexity

I've already called many people "complicated".

No, I'm not complicated. Am I? I'm complex, as we all are. I have stories, as we all have. I have fears, as we all have.

Maybe I've confused myself with who I've been so far and who I (don't) want to become. Someone, somewhere, some time sang: "There's more loneliness at the airport than in a cheap motel room". Couldn't be more true. What's my setting?

I've lived intensely in all "departments" of my life: family, friends, relationships, university. I'm getting confused in trying to find a balance. It's not "emotional disorder", or any sort of "problem" that could be called "problem".

Changing is not easy and understanding this "not-easiness" is dysrhythmic. I feel uneasy with the "not-easiness" of understanding myself, my wishes.

Some might run away from me. It obviously hurts, but I'll never judge.
Others will simply (wisely) be silent and wait.

I'm not afraid of living, I'm just trying to be cautious.
I'm not analyzing everything. I'm just trying to figure out.
I'm not in need of a doctor. I'm just trying... to be better.

In threshold

Here I come again to talk about feelings.
Feelings are always connected to people. People are always inconstant, and I'm essencially inconstant.

Here I come again to talk about life.
Life is always a matter of decision. Decisions are usually difficult, and I'm especially hesitant.

There's a tangled set of doors I could go into now, each of them reserving a set of singular, profound feelings towards especial, important people in my life. I'm surrounded by uncertanties.

I'm afraid of feeling, because feelings aren't a safe place.

I'm slippery and feeling like loosing control once again. Shaky feet, sweating shirt, wrinkled front. Is that happiness after all?

I'd rather wait for the sunset.
Let the orinoco flow, let the wind blow.

Eu perdoo...

Eu perdoo ignorância, burrice, insensibilidade, teimosia, malandragem, burocracia, preguiça, egoísmo... mas grosseria e falta de educação me agravam a gastrite...